Sven · that man, that impossible man

“

Me: “Welcome to [company name] hotline. How may I help you?”

Caller: “My name is [name]. I’ve ordered mobile broadband weeks ago, but I didn’t receive squat!”

Me: “Let me just check with customer service to see what we can do about that. Do you mind holding?”

(I put the caller on hold and dial customer services. They check the tracking number for his modem and it seems he has already picked it up from his local post office. He is trying to get a free modem out of us.)

Me: “Hi, I’m back. Looks like I’ve got a solution to your problem. Try to open the mobile partner software on your desktop.” (This is software that automatically installs itself first time you plug in the mobile broadband modem.)

Caller: “Sure, no problem.”

(I briefly explain to the customer that he couldn’t have done that without receiving the modem.)

Caller: “I want to talk to your manager!”

(I hand the call to my manager.)

Caller: “Your employee tried to trick me! Now what are you going to do about it?”

Manager: “Promote him?”

”

“

(A customer of about 85 years old approaches customer service. It is Father’s Day.)

Customer: “Where do you keep your belts?”

Me: “Over in the men’s department.”

Customer: “And where do you keep your grooming sets?”

Me: “In the men’s department as well.”

Customer: “Oh thanks! I’m buying a Father’s day present for my Dad and Grandfather!”

(I tell him he’s welcome and turn back to what I was doing. I noticed a few seconds later he’s still there.)

Me: “Is there something else I can help you with?”

Customer: *grinning widely* “Do you believe me?!”

”

“

(I have lived in the US for five years, but I still speak with a slight accent.)

Me: “Did you find everything alright?”

Customer: “Can someone else help me, please?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I want someone who isn’t Mexican to help me. You already took enough jobs, thank you very much.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not Mexican.”

Customer: “Yes, yes you are!” *reads my name tag* “Maria is such a Mexican name!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m Portuguese.”

Customer: “Oh, Mexico, Portugal, Costa Rica. It’s all the same. You come into our country and steal all of our jobs. Just because you’ve hopped the fence doesn’t give you the right to be here!”

Me: “Ma’am, Portugal is in Europe. It’s located next to Spain. We speak Portuguese there. It is impossible to hop across an ocean and into the US.”

Customer: “Go back to Castro then, communist!”

”

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“

(A customer walks up to the counter and sets a plastic shopping bag down.)

Customer: “You have to help me!”

Me: “I’d be more than happy to assist you, ma’am. What seems to be the problem today?”

Customer: “I’m being hacked! You have to get them to stop using my computer!”

Me: “Do you have your computer with you so that I can see what’s going on?”

(She just turns the bag upside down. Parts of a laptop spill everywhere motherboard, LCD panel, hinges, keyboard, palm rest, etc.)

Me: “Uh, ma’am? Why did you dismantle your computer?”

Customer: “That’s the only way to get them to stop! When computers are powered down, they aren’t really off! Those people in India are hacking into them while you have them off and are using it
to teach their kids how to speak English! That’s why jobs are outsourced!”

Me: “I really don’t think I can help you, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, put back together my computer! I have a warranty with you people. I’ll get the FBI or police to help me with the hackers.”

Me: “Our warranty does not cover you taking apart your computer.”

Customer: “Oh my God! You’re one of the people helping those hackers, aren’t you?”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Aren’t you?!”

”

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“

(It is closing time. I come across a man in the reptile section staring intently at one of our pythons.)

Me: “Sir, just to let you know, the store will be closing in about–”

(The customer silences me and continues to watch the snake.)

Me: “Sir, did you–”

Customer: “I heard you. I’ll be out in a minute. This brat mcan’t last much longer.”

(The snake moves to the side, and so does the customer. It slithers back to its original position and he  suite. I notice his eyes are quivering all this time and he hasn’t blinked once.)

Me: “Sir, forgive my asking but are you trying to have a staring contest with Archie there?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “You do know snakes can’t blink, right?”

Customer: Oh, now you tell me? I’ve been challenging this brat for the last ten minutes!”

”

Reposted by datenwolf

“

Patient: “We need to schedule a surgery.”

Me: *looking over the patient’s chart* “Surgery? For what, ma’am?”

Patient: “The doctor said I had high cholesterol. And I want him to go in and cut it out. Take it all, I say.”

Me: “He can’t just go in and remove the cholesterol. There are ways that you can lower your cholesterol.”

Patient: “Don’t lie to me. There’s cholesterol free food. I’ve seen it. Someone has to go into the food and take it out, now don’t they? You just don’t want me to use my free health care. You probably voted for McCain!”

Me: “Let me see if I can reach the doctor.”

”

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“

(I am in the middle of a long bus ride. A woman is talking extremely loudly on her cell phone. Several other commuters have already moved away from her.)

Driver: “Ma’am. I have to ask you to quiet down. You are disturbing other passengers.”

Woman: “Ugh.”

(She lowers her voice for about three minutes, then begins yelling again.)

Driver: “Ma’am, I told you once already. If I can hear it, it’s too loud. If you don’t take it down a notch you’re getting off at the next stop.”

Woman: *glares* “I am trying to have a private conversation! Will you give me a minute?”

(At this point, a man who had moved away silently stands up, removes the big “Be A Considerate Commuter” sign from the overhead rack, and sits pointedly across from her with it.)

Woman: “Hold on, Lita. Some a** is trying to get my attention.” *covers phone* “If you don’t like it, you can get off the bus! Stop eavesdropping on me!”

Man: “Well ma’am, at this point, I think you could talk a little louder and dispense with the phone entirely.”

Woman: *flustered and angry* “Whatever! Okay, I’m back, Lita. So, anyway…”

(I hope the next stop was hers, because that’s where the driver left her.)

”

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“

Customer: “How much is Bud Light?”

Bartender: “$3.75″

Customer: “Well, how much is Miller Light?”

Bartender: “$3.75.”

Customer: “D***! What’s the cheapest thing you got in here?!”

Bartender: “YOU!”

”